After Marriage Failure: Could We Make It Work Again?

A reader wrote, "If my husband who has been gone for a year and is with another woman decided to... change his life around and come back to his family, do you think we could ever make it work again. I ask this because I ponder why you never tried to correct your previous relationship and I wonder why."
This is an excellent question, albeit with a personal twist...
In the extreme, I've seen couples divorce, remarry, lose their new spouse through divorce or death, and then connect with their former spouse and remarry. This is usually over an extended period of time, not a year or two.
In another case a couple split up and lived in separate cities without contact, except through their adult children. With one party always wanting to get back together and therefore never dating others, they finally did reconnect after several years and have been together ever since.
So the short answer to your question is that it is possible.
One of the more difficult issues to overcome, however, is that of trust. Would you be able to trust him again? Without professional help - and sometimes even with it - inability to trust can linger for years and is a major relationship killer.
A Personal Perspective
Six weeks after my former spouse said to me "Our marriage is better than it's ever been," she told me by telephone she was splitting. (She already had an apartment in another city.) I was devastated. When within a few days my grief had deepened to the point of my feeling suicidal, I got professional help with my grief.
I begged her to come back, but the answer was always no. Then finally she agreed to come back but it would take a couple of weeks to tie up some loose ends where she lived. I was elated, but as the date approached, my stomach started to get tied up in knots. I realized I had grieved her loss and had moved on emotionally. I couldn't trust her to not leave again. I had long since learned to trust my instincts, so I said no.
We divorced and had no contact for a number of years. We both remarried. Now we are good friends.
Back to your question about whether you could ever make your marriage work again.
What he says he will do doesn't count for much. It's what he has done that counts. When your husband has left the other woman and has turned his life around (with or without professional help), when the two of you are enjoying one another's company and are at ease with each other again, then it's time to consider reestablishing the marriage.

Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada, with a focus on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman's Survival Guide. Get a copy of his free report "Codependency and Alcohol Addiction" at http://www.neillneill.com.

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7 Ways to Improve Conflict Resolution

1) Pray. Praying together first will allow your hearts to be in the best place when you begin to resolve whatever is going on. There's something so special and calming about holding hands and giving your problem to God and asking Him to control your words and your feelings as you work through this issue together. Knowing God is right there with you as you resolve any issue at hand is comforting. Take His help and His comfort from the very beginning.
2) Listen. Listen to what he's saying and listen to what he's not saying. Don't interrupt until he has voiced what's on his mind and keep listening until the very end before responding. Often times we will hear the first sentence, get defensive and interrupt, and then it becomes a shouting match because both parties have a need to be heard but they're not hearing each other at all. The issue then takes a back seat to a shouting match which leads to hurt feelings on top of unresolved issue.
3) Be understanding instead of defensive. Try to see their point of view or their opinion. Try to understand it and where the feelings are coming from. Have an open mind. If she's complaining about something, try to understand the issue instead of defending yourself. You may be equally frustrated about the same problem and being defensive puts the conversation in a blame game instead of an opportunity to solve the issue and try something new.
4) Do not scream, cry, or punch the wall. Try to keep your voice calm even if you are upset, take a breath and count to five and try to begin again without yelling. Women typically show their frustration with tears which for the man makes him feel sad. Additionally he will not want to talk anymore because he doesn't want to say anything else to hurt her or make her feel sad anymore. So while I understand the tears need to flow, taking a moment to apologize for the tears and to give him permission to continue to speak his mind may help. Equally damaging is when a man punches something or knocks something over in frustration. This gives a woman the same reaction tears give the man. It scares her and makes her not want to speak anymore. Every couple knows how to "push the others buttons". Pushing buttons, screaming and yelling are absolutely damaging to a marriage. Learn what shuts down your partner and try to find another way to communicate and stay calm.
5) Do not use phrases like "you don't understand" or "you always say that". Phrases like these are defensive. Instead try to rephrase. If you feel like he's being condescending, honestly convey your feelings using different words and in a calmer manner. " I really want to understand where you're coming from and I actually do understand everything you said". "I'm sorry I made you feel as if I don't get it, but I promise I do." Learning what phrases work and don't work will not only help you resolve conflicts sooner (and give you more time for make up romance) but will also allow your marriage to grow through enhanced communication. Learn how to discuss the small stuff so when a bigger issue needs to be dealt with, you both will be ready to work it out.
6) Know when to table the issue. Or should I say "know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em"? Arguing is inevitable, we all argue, but learning to fight fair will help resolve issues instead of harboring resentment. If after you've both tried to come up with an agreement on how to handle it and both of you feel nothing is getting resolved, agree to table the issue for 24 hours to think about the problem. Then, agree to bring two resolutions each back to the table. And, do it. Keep the appointment. Don't go to bed mad. When you agree to table the issue, it means that it won't be discussed for now. It also means a truce so cuddle up and let it go for a while.
7) Be intentional. Scheduling time to talk about how things are going will help recognize a conflict earlier rather than later after it's had time to grow bitterness. Taking a coffee break together to ask "is there anything I am doing that is bugging you?" or "is there anything you feel like we have been hiding in the closet that we need to resolve?" Or, instead of waiting for your spouse to get upset about something that you know or think he may be upset about, bring it up. "Honey, did I upset you earlier when this or that happened? Would you like to talk about it?" This will bring a friendly and approachable opportunity to resolve a conflict before it gets to a boiling point and then begins as a yelling match. You also may be surprised at how little the conflict really is. Being intentional is great practice at communicating in a loving and graceful way.
Conflict happens! I like to refer to the "fruits of the spirit" when we interact especially when there's a disagreement or a major issue to discuss; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control (Galatians 5:22). If we think on these things through every disagreement I don't see how we could go wrong!
Probably most importantly, here is a bonus #8 Please don't forget to forgive and forget. Forgive yourself, forgive your spouse, and then forget it, but don't forget the make-up romance! Enjoy the fact that you both came through a difficult situation by planning a night of romance, it will help heal your hearts and bring the two of you back to one.
Happy loving,
Susan Markin

Check out my book "Playful Journey for Couples". A must have for every Christian couple no matter the age or stage of marriage! http://www.playfuljourney.com/christian-books

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